Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
