i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
