You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
