Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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