dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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