They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
