Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
