Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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