fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
