Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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