Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
