You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
