just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
