omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
