I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
