I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
