i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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