i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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