last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
