They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
