Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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