just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
