ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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