I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
