i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
