2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
