why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
