remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
