You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
