apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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