i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
