I think I won the penis lottery.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
