I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
