Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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