you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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