hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he was CRYING into my vagina
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
