you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
