i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
