My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
