i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
