Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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