i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
