Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
