college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
