All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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