I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
