I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
