OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
