those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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