I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
