she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
