u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
